Journal

Contemplations #3

I never thought I’d say this, but maybe it’s not a good thing to be so self-reliant all the time. I think being so used to doing things by myself has taken its toll on my relationships. It’s as though all my existing connections have been put on hold; so much so that it almost feels like I’ve forgotten how to be friends with certain people, and vice versa.

I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with having a handful of people I trust and love with all my heart. But there are days when it literally feels like I don’t have even one. I’m envious of those people I see on TV who have someone they can just physically run to at any time when they need a little break from their usual environment. When they need someone to talk to about both trivial and serious things. 

I mean it’s obviously not true that I don’t have friends, otherwise I’d have been talking to zombies everyday. It’s not that I’ve burned my bridges either. It’s just that for some reason I haven’t been crossing my bridges in a long time. If I really look at it, there’s a world of difference between my relationships then and now. Back then I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. I think I may have smiled a whole lot more too. 

These days I’ve been finding myself wondering, more often than not: Where was I during all those times my friends were celebrating their pre-adulthood milestones? What about those times they were sad over having their hearts broken? I feel so out of the loop it’s ridiculous. 

But it goes both ways, doesn’t it? Every time I celebrate my milestone, or suffer my own heartaches, I more often than not just quietly do so and then pack it away in a neat little package a moment later. It’s not really an issue of my willingness to share, but a question of who I’m supposed to share it with. And here again I’m left wondering: Where did all the people in my life go? 

There’s a certain emptiness here that never existed before. Or maybe it’s existed for a while but I’ve just been too busy playing strong to notice. I’ve become a shadow; someone who people remember out of convenience but are okay with keeping at the back of the line when they don’t need me. It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’ve always been perfectly content keeping only the people who don’t care for shallow friendships by my side, but I’m terrified that I have become one of those shallow friendships I so despise.

I am not writing this out of self-pity. I am not writing this because I feel lonely or angry. (Maybe I can admit to feeling a little sad and wistful, because I am human after all.) But I’ve been toying with these thoughts for a while now, and it’s time to get it out of my system. Does the problem lie in how “busy” our lives have become, or does the problem have to do with the unrepairable distance that’s been formed between my relationships over the years?

Or maybe I’m the problem after all.

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