Contemplations #3

I never thought I’d say this, but maybe it’s not a good thing to be so self-reliant all the time. I think being so used to doing things by myself has taken its toll on my relationships. It’s as though all my existing connections have been put on hold; so much so that it almost feels like I’ve forgotten how to be friends with certain people, and vice versa.

I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with having a handful of people I trust and love with all my heart. But there are days when it literally feels like I don’t have even one. I’m envious of those people I see on TV who have someone they can just physically run to at any time when they need a little break from their usual environment. When they need someone to talk to about both trivial and serious things. 

I mean it’s obviously not true that I don’t have friends, otherwise I’d have been talking to zombies everyday. It’s not that I’ve burned my bridges either. It’s just that for some reason I haven’t been crossing my bridges in a long time. If I really look at it, there’s a world of difference between my relationships then and now. Back then I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. I think I may have smiled a whole lot more too. 

These days I’ve been finding myself wondering, more often than not: Where was I during all those times my friends were celebrating their pre-adulthood milestones? What about those times they were sad over having their hearts broken? I feel so out of the loop it’s ridiculous. 

But it goes both ways, doesn’t it? Every time I celebrate my milestone, or suffer my own heartaches, I more often than not just quietly do so and then pack it away in a neat little package a moment later. It’s not really an issue of my willingness to share, but a question of who I’m supposed to share it with. And here again I’m left wondering: Where did all the people in my life go? 

There’s a certain emptiness here that never existed before. Or maybe it’s existed for a while but I’ve just been too busy playing strong to notice. I’ve become a shadow; someone who people remember out of convenience but are okay with keeping at the back of the line when they don’t need me. It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’ve always been perfectly content keeping only the people who don’t care for shallow friendships by my side, but I’m terrified that I have become one of those shallow friendships I so despise.

I am not writing this out of self-pity. I am not writing this because I feel lonely or angry. (Maybe I can admit to feeling a little sad and wistful, because I am human after all.) But I’ve been toying with these thoughts for a while now, and it’s time to get it out of my system. Does the problem lie in how “busy” our lives have become, or does the problem have to do with the unrepairable distance that’s been formed between my relationships over the years?

Or maybe I’m the problem after all.

Art Materials, Journal

Getting my brush wet with Daniel Smith paints

Guess who finally decided to try out the Daniel Smith paints?

To be entirely honest, my curiosity has seen me spend a good amount of money for my watercoloring obsession lately. I’m pretty happy with the 36 watercolor palette I got myself recently (thoughts on that upcoming), but for the life of me I cannot shake off my desire to test out these paints.

Daniel Smiths are highly regarded as one of the best paints in the watercoloring world. Many artists actually declare it THE best. I can’t say much about that having tried none of the other expensive famous brands, but when I saw that DES Artroom were selling these Dot Charts I closed my eyes and clicked buy.

This 238 Dot Chart cost me Php 1,444 with shipping, but I figured it sure beats getting the set of primaries for the same price, or getting the set of 6 essentials for double the price. Primaries are colors I already have, and what I wanted more than anything was to see the unique colors Daniel Smith were offering.

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Art Materials, Journal, Traditional Art

Peerless Watercolor First Impressions

I’ve been super obsessed with watercolor lately and I’ve been thinking about art materials nearly every waking moment when I’m not at work. Going through videos on YouTube, I stumbled upon this interesting thing called the Nicholson’s Peerless Transparent Watercolor

It’s basically a set of coated cardstock-like paper originally used to color-grade films. Apparently it is long-lasting and extremely pigmented. I bought a pack of 40 colors from called the “Bonus Pak”.  

Due to their popularity as a watercolor medium nowadays, people have been making their own palettes using cut-up portions of these Peerless papers. They cut them into 1-inch squares and stick them on watercolor paper folded to look like a little booklet.

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