Wow. I have not made one of these since July? Then again nothing much happened in July that is extremely noteworthy. But I go and forget to make one for August too so here we are! Three months worth of snapshots make it look like I’ve spent quite a colourful time doesn’t it? Well there were moments in-between I’d much rather throw into the bygone fire. Being the dweller that I am I have this tendency to keep thinking about all the bad and sad stuff. I think it’s why I make these collages. I want to keep reminding myself that every time I have a crappy day or week or month, I can’t ever say I’ve had a bad life. That would be such a huge lie.
I got into the writing mood after my snapshot post so I just thought I’d write about the mishmash of things I’ve been up to as of late, starting with the slightly difficult task of soul searching… Yet again! In the last few days I have been trying to grope around for my old self- the core of me that seems to have blinked out of existence- before my job and this endless food blogging commitment took over my life.
The truth is, I have been trying to find a balance between responsibility and my numerous personal goals but so far it has not worked out so well. Responsibilities at work take 80% of my time since it is after all a Monday to Saturday 9 to 6 affair. Then there is this desire to keep improving myself and my food blog by continuously baking and cooking and taking photographs; but I have been doing it in almost every moment of my free-time that it has made the experience begin to feel more like my second job rather than my hobby really. Occasionally I wish I could skip the whole food-making process and get down to the photographing and writing.
I’m beginning to feel like I’m not approaching it right. Sometimes when I’m on vacation I keep thinking about how to photograph something for the blog that I tend to take myself away from the moment. It’s something I’ve been trying to control since I begun to discover it. Maybe I ought to let myself feel the now rather than trying to compose my draft in my head with the photos and the words I attach to them.
And yet that’s how I go about with everything isn’t it? In my mind there is only one way of doing things right, and that is by doing things well. Meticulously. Doing things in a way that passes my own almost exhausting standards. (Gah whyyyy must I torture myself so?!) Regardless of how popular/unpopular my food blog might be, I take much pride in seeing the fruits of my labour through beautifully-styled photos and well thought-out text. It’s always been who I am, this “perfectionist”. I readily set my mind into doing things I hate, but when it comes to things I like I add my heart and soul into the mix. Sometimes I wonder if people appreciate my work not just for its face value, but also because of the blood and sweat that went into it too. I wonder if it translates well into the work, my passion and perseverance.
Sometimes I wonder if at the end of the day was any of it worth the trouble?
I think I got too caught up into the whirlwind of food blogging. I was enamoured by the idea of how it is something you turn from flour and eggs into something spectacular and delicious. I’ve always loved the idea of creating things with my own hands. But through it all I have let slip any time for the other things I love– the things that for the longest time have been important parts of who I am even before I discovered a love for blogging or creating food. Heck even before I discovered this love for photography that has made me save up so hard just so I can obtain some good gear.
Back when life was simpler and I could just be, there was all sorts of illustrating and sketching. Colours and painting. There was writing too. Gosh I miss that lovely combination.
Here at home, I have a tall set of drawers with wheels at the bottom- similar to the ones you might see in salons- filled to the brim with art and colouring materials. I love colouring materials and never have I missed any opportuniteis to add new ones when I visit my favourite bookstore in Hong Kong. There are sketchpads that have been started but are now gathering dust in their shelves. It wasn’t so hard to go through them before, what with my constant drawing of character designs or manga strips; of my putting to paper a scene from a story brewing in my mind. I even used to letter and doodle my favourite song lyrics. Even such a simple task eludes me now.
I still have this crazy dream of becoming a published author. You know, sort of like one JK Rowling, who has managed to touch so many imaginations around the world with a captivating story. I like that idea of being able to share something that moves people. It’s always something I aspire to do whenever I write, or draw, or even blog. That is in fact probably what drives me to keep blogging– the hope that I can keep writing something worthwhile. Writing fiction is my number one love even if drawing was my first one, and yet both these are things I have not done in any serious capacity for quite some time. 😦
I do love food blogging, but perhaps I’ve made the mistake of bordering on obsessing over it. (Perhaps I should have made a lifestyle personal blog instead of just a food blog lol. Perhaps I’ve put too much expectations upon myself!) For some reason I just keep going though, because I know if I stop I will regret it. I just need to figure out how to find that balance I lost.
I had another sort of dream the other night– the type of dream that made it seem as though your world was turned upside down. Everything that was supposed to happen did not, and everything you hoped would not happen did. Like the way of most dreams the details slipped away from my memory the moment I woke. I remember feeling uncharacteristically melancholy though. I did not like the dream, I suppose you could say.
The dream involved my high school friends– people I have not seen in so many years. It makes me sad that sometimes growing older also means growing further apart. Before, everyone fitted snuggly in the heart of a moment, then slowly like birds set free from the nest they fly away, and usually not in the direction anyone expected.
We all keep moving away from each other until there is but a small thread holding each person together. But that could all change. Right?
I remember a lot of details from my high school years because my memory is like that. It tends to take specific moments and replay them with clarity, like that moment occurred just yesterday. That’s why I am such a sentimental person I guess. I can’t help but get hit by the waves of nostalgia every so often. The memories are not all good, but still… Guess I didn’t realize I was missing them that much, huh?
I want to end this post on a more joyful note. This mixed tape of mine today is of a depressing sort, and frankly time is too precious to spend with your head down, which is why happy things must be highlighted more than the sad ones, and what better way to do that than with a pic spam?
I went on a trip some months ago and I enjoyed it a surprisingly more than I was anticipating, to tell you honestly. You know how some people seem to have comments about a certain place even before they get there? Well I have learned to leave those unproven impressions at home whenever I travel. Sometimes the most random places can surprise you! Guimaras, a place that has never once crossed my radar, certainly did.
Here are some of my favourite pictures from the trip, with some captions when you hover over:
And now to make
me you crave for the beach!
Life has been fairly okay the past two months. Not much happened in the realm of picture-worthy, except of course the ones I’m sharing below. I’ll be writing about some stuff soon on the blog that I have been kind of going through the last few weeks that has left me feeling pretty exhausted.
I’ve been carrying the storm around with me and it’s a bit of a shock that I seem to have forgotten the therapy that produces the most wondrous effects for me in terms of taking the weight off my shoulders– writing. I used to write a lot of contemplative stuff that always helped me sort my thoughts out and put things in perspective. I should probably bring that habit back. Alongside illustrating. And colouring/painting. (What a jumble my life is right now that I seem to have forgotten the fundamentals that make me who I am…)
But for now, happy pictures!